Will I Survive?

Is the question that launched a thousand doubts after I had a taste of my 15-day stint in our clinical practice that started today. (Thinking)

I've been waiting for this day to come that I wanted to drag the hours and days so i can get my hands into actual training. This morning it was like christmas that I woke up, took a shower and dressed very early. Anticipation and anxiousness really creeped in; flashing to my mind all the things that you should supposed to do and imagining what i'd expect from the patients/residents and co-workers.

Before I enrolled in this training program I already conditioned my mind to what I should expect, i.e. the hardwork because you have to do and help the patients in carrying out their activities of daily living. But I forgot to condition my mind to the fact that somehow the psychological/emotional turmoil I may be facing after I come face to face with the old darlings in the NH. Can I handle it?

It was shocking, albeit the expectations are somewhat clear as I imagined but the reality is overwhelming. I can't think nor envisioned putting my parents in such kind of situation. Or maybe myself or husband when our time comes being under the mercy of strangers. It's just me. Have a hard time comprehending all the reasons why families are leaving their loved ones in the care of others. I know there are lots of reasons out there...but as what my husband said, whatever reasons there may be..it's still tantamount to abandonment. I silently agreed with him.

Can't help it but my heart cried while looking at each one, so fragile and vulnerable, confused and calmed; it was hard for me to leave one room to another. Afraid when i get back they'll drop or something will happen. But I have to suppress the feeling and continue what i should be doing. And instead of giving the whole lot of your time...but only a fraction of it because you have to divide for the rest of them.

Oh well, WILL I SURVIVE? I am praying. For now, I can say Yes but I have to harden my heart and numb my brain; avoiding the reasons of why they are there. Continue giving the quality care expected from me. And maybe I can also say, just what the CNA i tailed unto today said to me, "the need of these people is what keeps me going even when at times my body want to log off. If none of us will not be here for them, then who will?"



Makis said...

this is one of my culture shock arriving here in france (and why i am also convinced of getting old in the philippines). i have a 92 year old neighbor who lives alone & it's heartbreaking. you're doing a great thing Bless & once you get to know them better, you'll truly understand why you're there for them.

have a great week!

Bless said...

thanks makis for the thought. although i heard about a lot of tell tales about NH and becoming old here in the US but am still strucked and shocked when i saw them personally.

have a great week too.

Rhebs said...

Bless, what’s even more unbearable is most of these old folks in the NH children of their own yet the children don’t even bother not even spare much time visiting their folks in the NH. My MIL is so relieved knowing DH and I are going to take good care of her in the comfort of our own home once she gets old and decrepit.

Bless said...

You are right Rhebs. Seldom you can see and hear about visitation from families. Others even waiting when their grans or parents be gone so they can have what's left in the will. Which is very sad to know. Your MIL is very lucky to have you and your hubby.

Nweis, i will add u pala to my links.

Lynn said...

You will survive of course! I have no doubt about it. It's a culture it's hard for us to understand, but with your courage and Faith, kaya mo yan! Keep smiling!

Bless said...

hi Lynn tnx for the vote of confidence :-) Lagi as in naculture shock me. u too keep smiling.

michimiz said...

hi bless, you can do it. but dont harden your heart because it will lead to numbness and walang paki then you can't emphatize to them and they need that. in our home we have 15 residents and they are not just because of old age but they are mentally handicapped in someways or another. and it is really true that nobody in their families visited them. their is one resident who is with my husband's foster home for 30 years, one is more than 20 years but my hubby told me he never remember that his two are visited by their family. nakalimutan na kaya? many times i would say that never would i get old her because i will never be happy in a foster home. specialy we filipinos are not used to it.
you will survive my dear i knew it. that is why after taking up caregiver training here, i am also contemplating taking up cna. it is so mind boggling. gusto nila perfect ang pagkaexecute mo sa lahat nang mga demo diba? now if naka duty kana, lahat nang natutunan natin maexecute mo and you will remember it all.
i do believe that filipinas are good caregiver, nurse etc. we are different in dealing with people they feel that we care a lot. nahalata ko yan with my classmates basta tama na yong makabigay nang medicine or get vital signs. tayo with all the smile and a little chika hehehe.
iba ang pinay!!!

Bless said...

as in tinuod jud Kim nga ang uban wala na gibisita sa ilang mga kapamilya. nweis, i'm still trying to acclimatize myself to the NH environment. mejo nabag uhan ko sa tanan. then trying my best to do everything what i learned in theory. Lahi ra jud ng ginabasa nimo kaysa actual nga natun an, di ba? Btw, tnx for the prayers and sharing your experience too. God bless.

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